Every silver lining has a cloud.

I went to the doctor and got my stitches out yesterday. She said she was very happy about this surgery. The muscle was not severely damaged and she was able to use a less traumatic repair which means recovery will be speedier. The very good news is that I may only have to wear the sling for 4 weeks – tune in on Sep 18th and we will know for sure.

On a humorous note, I asked the doctor if I could drive myself to physical therapy and maybe the beach for beach walks, but she said no. She couldn’t accept the liability. So I then asked if walking on the treadmill would be OK, figuring it was controlled and safe. She scrunched up her nose and said, “Couldn’t you just like – walk around?” She has had patients that broke ankles and otherwise hurt themselves on treadmills. So she doesn’t want to take any risks. To put this in perspective my doctor, Dr Silberberg, is a petite women (5’1”-100lbs?) with long brown hair who looks like she could be one of my daughters friends. She is very nice and personable. About the beach walks, she said she really would like to say yes, but just can’t – and she looks sincere.

(WARNING – The remaining portion of this blog article is depressing. If you are, have a tendency toward being, or don’t feel like reading something depressed - stop here, smile about my cute little doctor and close the window. I will be back to writing my incredibly witty and thought provoking blog articles next time. 8>))

This past year has been full of significant events and with our family history of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and suicide I have to monitor and have Penny keep an eye out for any indications of trouble. Significant life events are known to play a part in these conditions. This past year has contained a number of significant life changes for me. Retirement, the death of my Dad, 2 major surgeries, the trip up to Connecticut for the Memorial Service, Penny’s health and managing a title-winning fantasy football team have all marched through my world. A number of my experiences are ones of hope and opportunity. The freedom of retirement and the repair of the body all open new and exciting opportunity for my life. I don’t feel anything like depressed and I am more relaxed than ever.

But, as I sat here in my recliner waiting to heal, way out on the periphery of my feelings a feeling of hopelessness and futility creeps in. You know the feeling, we struggle through our everyday lives – but what good does it do? I’m pretty sure it is caused by the trauma of surgery and the exposure to anesthesia and painkillers. It scares me, though. I don’t understand why these very illogical feelings should even be there. I also thoroughly understand that they are not reasonable feelings or thoughts but you can’t stop feelings.


The best I can figure is that at this stage of life I am no longer building for our future or learning for advancement in my career. We’re not teaching our children about life or saving stuff in case we find a need for it later. We are beginning to reap more than we sow. Some would say that it is well deserved, and I have to admit I do like it. Some would say it is selfish. But without work our social circles have shrunk, and for me since the surgery, I’m doing very little of what could be considered productive work and not getting out of the house much. I don’t have to do anything but sit around and heal and get better. Penny is taking good care of me and being very understanding. The up side is that there is that hope and real possibility for next year to be better both physically and mentally. If that weren’t there I probably would be giving up.


It gives me a little bit of understanding for why my Dad just gave up the way he did.
I can remember trying to convince Dad that each day was still worth living. He had only his belongings in a room he shared, but he was physically healthy. He had his books, his jokes, his family, and his friends. From his perspective, however, he didn’t have any reason to be here. The most significant people to him were gone and he was back into his depressed state. Each day held the same lack of promise, the same routine. So, if I can have these feelings creep in with my positive hopeful situation how much more would they affect him?

It does, however, raise the question of how I am going to handle the upcoming challenges of aging. When things go wrong, when ability is lost forever, when I am more dependent on others how well will I react?

I am fortunate to have Penny in my life. Without her influence I think I would be much closer to how my Dad was. My faith is also stronger than what Dad had. I have a loving family watching out for me. That’s the silver lining!

Can you imagine us

Years from today,

Sharing a park bench quietly?

How terribly strange

To be seventy.

Old friends,

Memory brushes the same years.

Silently sharing the same fears.

-Paul Simon

------------------------

After reading this I must make a postscript. Those bad feelings of hopelessness, futility, etc. have not lingered. They were there for a day, maybe 2, hanging around on the outskirts of my feelings, but never really moving in. Today they are nowhere to be found.

What it was - was football!

It is once again time for our fantasy football league’s draft. Last year was my rookie year as a team manager and it was fun and interesting. My problem is that I don’t know the details of the game necessary to do well in fantasy football. I know football’s rules and all that, but who plays quarterback for Jacksonville? Unless I am actually watching a game I rarely know who the major players are. But that did not prevent my team from winning the title last year. Go figure.


So this year, with my rookie year behind me and a broader understanding of how to succeed in fantasy football (dumb luck comes to mind) I am once again gathering my rankings of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, and all those other positions and getting ready to sit down in front of that computer for an hour or so, with Penny by my side as my trusty assistant, and get totally panicked and confused as we participate in the draft.

Let the other managers beware! This year I am experienced, well rested, and full of mind altering pain medication! “Hey Penny, I kind of like the name of this running back for Arizona –Obafemi Ayanbadejo- what say we pick him number 1?” That’s all I’m going to say for now – I don’t want to show my cards too soon.

The sound of one hand typing.

I had surgery on my right shoulder last Friday. All went well. The doctor said this shoulder was not as severe as the left one was. I had to stay in recovery longer this time because the morphine wasn’t working and they had to use something else. It felt like my shoulder was trying to explode. So I was well juiced when I left the out patient clinic to go home.

All I did all weekend was sleep, eat, and pee. My pills were on a 4-hour schedule and I would usually sleep about 3 ½ hours in between. The doctor prescribed two types of pain pills for me. The red ones, better known as the big guns, and the white ones – wimpy enough that I could take 2 every 4 hours instead of 1 like the big guns. I could pretty well tell when it was time to take pills by the pain level of the shoulder. I’m spending most of my time in the recliner and it is working well. The tricky part is that the chair is made for right-handers and I can’t use my right arm. Of course, with 2 people we can coordinate reclining and sitting up. But there are times when it would be nice to be able to get in and out of the recliner without help. So I’ve developed entry and exit techniques that may not be pretty to watch but do get me in and out without using or stressing my right arm.

I am, to borrow a term from my mother, “loopy” and at times more than just a little from the medication. On Saturday I would fall asleep without notice. I was eating pasta Penny made for me and when I drifted off I dropped my fork onto the plate thus waking me up. I guess that’s the way people fall asleep while driving. I usually don’t doze off without a conscious decision to do so. Then on Sunday eve I fell asleep hard. When I awoke the sun was rising and Penny was asking me what I wanted to eat. She suggested some left over pasta. I thought that was a strange breakfast so I asked for cereal. That’s what I normally ate for breakfast. She pointed out to me that it was Sunday evening not Monday. I know I’m going to be reminded of this “lovingly” at future family gatherings.
I still don’t know if that small lizard I saw run across the den floor was real or not. Brie didn’t chase it but did go sniff under the furniture it ran under. And yes, I’m even hearing voices. They are not telling me what to do, just echoing certain names, or comments about what is going on. Why do I keep hearing Diana DeGarmo’s name? I think I have truly achieved that semi-torpid state I always joke about.

The real proof of the shape my mind was in was the E-mail I thought I sent to Christy. I realized when I sent it that I capitalized the whole word “DAD”, but hey -it was typed one-handed! I got Christy a Sports Illustrated subscription and twice a week an on-line sports update is mailed to me. I forward it to Christy, usually with a little note. So that’s what I did. The next day I get an E-Mail back RE: Sports Illustrated saying “WHO IS THIS????” Here is what I sent:
--------------------------------
Subject: Fwd: SI Extra: All Eyes on the PGA
Date: 8/20/2006 3:24:17 P.M. Central Daylight Time
From: BARCMIT
Reply To:
To: cgc.ecommerce@cox.com



Well, im back to typing wit one hand.
I hope tour dw went well.

Love Uou,DAD
--------------------------------------
I don’t know who cgc.ecommerce is; I also didn’t realize I made so many typos.


Another major effect of the drugs is on dreams. The strong pills produced scary dreams. They faded quickly once I woke up just leaving the scared feeling. Three bits of dreams I do remember were: being on patrol with a platoon in Vietnam, being involved in a terrorist attack, and trying to hide from something very resourceful and extremely evil. The weaker pills provide dreams full of vivid color and extreme detail. One scene I remember had a cast for some Broadway show all decked out in bright white costumes. The stage setting was like a fountain in a park and all the trees and shrubs were deep greens that contrasted with the white. The only reason I think I remember this part of the dream is that as it faded I noted a small girl dressed like a pioneer and there in front of her was a white chicken. For some reason I was impressed that they even had a white chicken in the cast. So this is where I should start talking like my Hippie brethren, like, far out man!

So, here it is Wednesday now and I think my right arm is recovering faster than my left arm did. I’m not taking any of the strong pain killer so the dreams are not scary. In fact I can’t remember any dreams today. The voices have all gone away – I’m going to miss them! So I’m returning to the old Paul again. But deep inside me, man, I, a, find myself kinda digging those old VW busses. They are so cool man! I think I’m gonna let my hair grow while my arm gets better. I saw this cool hair band that I can use to keep it outta my face. Then when I can drive again me and my woman will pack up all our Hendrix, Joplin, Jefferson Airplane and Dylan and Joni Mitchell tapes and head out to Haight-Ashbury in San Fransico to celebrate the 40th Anniversary of the Summer of Love. Hell, man, we even have a war we can protest! Oh man, can you dig that? It will be so cool! Wow! Now I’ve got something to look forward to after my recovery. That’s far out,man, hey- I feelin kinda mellow now. Are there any more sugar cubes?

…and the towers fall around us

Penny and I had an “us” day starting at lunchtime today. It was sort of a late anniversary celebration.


We began with lunch at Olive Garden. Penny had her usual soup salad and breadsticks with raspberry lemonade. She had both the pasta fagiole (sp?) and sausage soups. I had Asiago Tortelloni with sliced beef rib and Portobello mushrooms. I couldn’t finish it but it was good. Then we made a Target run to use the time between lunch and the start time for the movie we went to see.


We saw “World Trade Center”. We both liked it. I was surprised at both the non-political nature of the film and the spirituality that was portrayed in it. The film centers upon 2 New York Port Authority police officers who survive the collapse of the towers but are trapped under 20 to 30 feet of debris. The plight of the officers, their family and the rescue workers is all portrayed from their viewpoints. You only know what they know. There is no narrative to clue you in or to hint whether these two will live or die.


A good example of the film’s style is the fact that all the time they are in the towers before the collapse there are periodic loud impacts that make the characters flintch and wonder what they are. The main characters are never told and neither is the audience that those are the bodies of people who jumped hitting the building.


This film moves slowly at times, but it is not boring. The interchange between the trapped officers is realistic. The nature and spirit of the American people, especially those that serve us in the police, fire and the military units are captured well. If you are a crier, bring some tissue because this movie will get you. The movie reminds you once again, as we were on 9/11, about just how precious each and every loved one is and how easily they can be lost.

So give that special person next to you a big hug and let them know how you feel. Be thankful that we have these type of folks in America and pray that the terrorists don’t destroy our way of life.

Against the Wind

One of the jobs I have to finish before my surgery is to make reusable hurricane protection for the windows on our house. So for the past few days I have been measuring, cutting plywood and installing threaded inserts. I’m through now with everything but caulking and painting window trim and siding that I replaced as part of the process. The goal is to allow Penny to put everything up by herself under my direction, if a storm pops up while I’m still incapacitated. If need be I can literally lend her a hand during the next 6 weeks. The next 6 weeks is the normal peak of our hurricane season.
Now each window can be covered, using no tools, by placing the plywood on the window and tightening 8 threaded fasteners by hand. Even at 5 minutes a window it still will take 1 ½ hours to put up the plywood. Add setup and it will be at least 2 hours to get ready for a storm.

Our neighbor asked me if I knew something she didn’t when she saw me covering our windows. I assured her I was just making preparations.

I’ve been giving my arms a good workout with this task and my right shoulder lets me know it at about 2:30 AM. It aches like a toothache until I put a cold pack on it. The left shoulder, the one that’s been fixed, aches each night but gets better overnight. I’m hoping that in 4-6 months I’ll once again be able to sleep through the night without my shoulders waking me up. I did finish 2 books during this project. One was a thriller about homeland security and a plot by Saudi Arabia to decapitate our government- Firefly. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312203772/sr=1-20/qid=1155642657/ref=sr_1_20/002-2224652-6919217?ie=UTF8&s=books The other is a historical non-fiction account of 1776 - 1776. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743226720/sr=1-1/qid=1155642753/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-2224652-6919217?ie=UTF8&s=books

Here There and Everywhere

Our furniture delivery trip went well. We didn’t stay long with either Christy or Karen & Tim because we have a bunch of stuff to finish up here at home before my surgery on Friday. (T-minus 5 days and counting).



Packing Begins:



I very carefully packed the trailer and wrapped everything with plastic and covered all the cargo with 6mil plastic sheeting. Since it had rained here each day for the last 4 days before we left, and my loading was interrupted for about 3 hours by rain, I figured there was no way to drive across Florida and not hit some rain. But my rain protection was never tested- no rain for the whole trip.




Rain Delay


The drive itself was uneventful. The trailer was stable and driving was not difficult. Apart from the CRV being sluggish because of the extra load, and the stopping distance being longer driving with the trailer didn’t feel much different than without. We also had to go through all the weigh stations and agricultural inspection areas along the way. This was the first significant trip we made with the trailer fully loaded and I was really pleased with it. As long as I don’t have to back up everything is cool. Backing with a full trailer blocking your view is not easy for me yet. It took several adjustments to get in the right position in Christy’s parking lot. Penny got very frustrated with my lack of skill.


We got to Christy’s about an hour before she got home from work so Penny and I unloaded most of the stuff and put it outside her door. When she got home we moved it all inside. As a treat we then went to Dairy Queen and had a blizzard. Then it was off to Jacksonville to deliver Karen’s recliner.


We stayed overnight at Karen’s and slept in on Friday (our anniversary). After that it was naptime. We were beat from moving furniture. We met Karen and Tim for lunch in downtown Jacksonville. Then it was time to head back home dragging the empty trailer.

Karen gave us 3 CDs to listen to on the drive. Two of them were about the 3 1966 albums that changed rock forever. They were the Beach Boy’s Pet Sounds, The Beatles Revolver, and Bob Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pet_Sounds

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revolver_(album)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blonde_on_Blonde

1966 was the year I graduated from high school and Penny's Freshman year. Many of the songs on those albums are attached to specific memories, feelings and people. Pet sounds is also my favorite album. My roommate in college (Bob Mathewson) had the album and I would lie back with headphones on, close my eyes and relax while listening to it.

It is interesting the way the Beatles and Beach Boys played off of one another. The Beatles Rubber Soul album inspired Brian Wilson to do Pet Sounds and Pet Sounds inspired the Beatles Sgt Pepper album.

Penny and I enjoyed listening to the music and remembering.

Deja Vu
Did that voice inside you say I've seen this all before It's like Deja Vu all over again

- John Fogerty


I went to Dr Silberberg today for a post surgical check up. My left shoulder is doing well. Well enough for us to consider doing the right shoulder “within the next 2 weeks”.

The longer we wait the more damage is done and fixing it becomes more difficult. So it looks like I go under the knife again.

Here we go again Here we go, Here we go Here we go again Here we go (Here we go)

- Sara Paxton

Last time around I had a great deal of difficulty getting in and out of bed right after the surgery. The Dr suggested I sleep in a recliner, but I didn’t have one. The first thing we did when we made the decision for the surgery this time is go looking for a recliner. We found a bunch of good quality recliners on clearance for half price at Haverty’s. That’s the same place that we got the $38 coffee table. The decision came down to one of two that were very comfy. We almost bought both. The one we didn’t get was a damaged but completely functional oxblood leather recliner that sold new at $799 but was on sale for only $149. We thought maybe Tim would like it once the loose arm was fixed. Karen and Tim almost got a call.

Once again we were pleased with the CRV. It swallowed up the recliner with inches to spare. So our sunroom looks like a recliner showroom with my recliner and Karen’s recliner side by side.













I also brought my CRV in to the Honda shop because it feels like the brake master cylinder is going. We had the same problem with Penny’s CRV last year. The shop gave me a lot of resistance. They still have not agreed to replace the part under warranty. The car is in the shop overnight so they can look at it again tomorrow and decide what to do. I got some relief from tactfully chewing out the service manager and reminding him that if they don’t fix it and it fails on the road I am going to come back at them for a lot more than a master cylinder (if I am alive).

The only reason I mention that is because today is my brother Lou’s birthday. Both the surgery decision, which I didn’t expect, and the car issue distracted me and I had forgotten to call him. Fortunately, I reminded sister Kathy that Lou’s birthday was the 8th. She remembered and called him. Since he didn’t mention a call from me Kathy IM’ed me and reminded me. Thank you Sis!
By the end of the day tomorrow I hope to have the trailer virtually loaded (he he). Then either Thursday or Friday we will do our delivery thing.

Virtually Packed

Now that I have finished working on furniture for Christy it is time to load it on the 8x5 ft open trailer and haul it to Gainesville. I have a TV stand (base and top unit pictured in previous blog), A sofa bed, a coffee table two 18-inch ottomans, two chairs, and a small recliner for Karen.

The coffee table shown here cost us $38. The top was badly scuffed and one caster was broken off. I managed to repair it and remove the scratches and gouges on the top. There is still some discoloration in the wood grain finish, but now it is smooth. The coffee table top extends up so it can be used as a TV table to eat or do work while you sit on the sofa. List price for this table was $449. Christy is getting a very nice (also a big and heavy) piece of furniture.
















It was very hot today – equivalent to 103 degrees- I didn’t want to be moving furniture in the heat. So I measured everything and sat down on the computer to do a digital equivalent of cutting out pieces of paper and fitting them into the available space. I found that everything should fit on the trailer and we may put the recliner in the back of the CRV. Here is a top and rear view of the virtual packing.














When we talked to Christy tonight Penny said that I had virtually packed the trailer - which was interpreted as being essentially finished. I had to explain which “virtually” we meant. Christy made some comment about "you can take the engineer out of the computer but you can't take the computer out of the engineer." Tomorrow we may actually start moving furniture. It not only has to fit, but we have to protect the cargo from wind and rain. We have to expect rain somewhere along the way and with the open trailer keeping things dry will be a challenge. Tune in next week to catch the continuing story of our packing adventure.

Produce Produce

Today we finish off what will probably be the last of this year’s crop of tomatoes. Penny once again had to force feed me pasta cruda yesterday and BLTs today. Last year the animals – rats, opossum (?), and birds devastated my tomatoes. This year I moved my tomato plants close to the house, put them inside our dog cage to keep the 4 legged critters away and covered the tops of the plants with various configurations of string, aluminum foil, a traffic cone, a piece of garden hose, an old mop, plastic bags, and a coat hanger. There were also regular patrols by Marmalade, her kitten, Ranger and Max. Even with all that some were lost to the birds. When we got back from the memorial service this year all of the ripe tomatoes were eaten by them. We’ve had a fairly constant supply of tomatoes this year from just 3 plants. They are wilting with the heat now.

It’s also been a good year this year for my favorite fruits. I don’t know why, but it’s been good eats. First of all, the watermelons have been juicy and sweet. To my surprise the cherries have been plentiful and firm and sweet and on sale at Publix for most of the Summer. We have had good luck with peaches, plums, and nectarines, too. Now that we are into August, it won’t be long before this year’s crop of scuppernongs comes in.

We also grew some eggplant, green peppers, rosemary, thyme, parsley and, of course, basil.

I’m hoping this trend continues. It’s been nice having a handful of cherries and a drink of watermelon every day.
OK- here is an off the wall reference to watermelon. You know that there have been studies teaching Chimpanzees to talk in sign language. At first there was a question whether the chimps were really thinking or just mimicking. What clinched it for one researcher was the day they gave the chimps watermelon as a treat. When they ran out of the melon they substituted another fruit. One chimp didn’t eat the substitute. Instead he signed – “ Want more of the sweet eat-drink food.” After that there was no question about the chimps’ abilities.